The night started off pretty normal for a Thursday but escalated quickly. I have a friend I’ve known for 20 years that sometimes disappears on me for long periods of time until I get to worrying about her and go find her. This usually involves calling around to her last known job or dropping in on her mom to ask their whereabouts. We were supposed to hang out a couple months back but she ghosted me due to high anxiety and a random person dying from a single car accident in front of my subdivision. I had to call a few auto shops in the general area I thought she worked in until I got the right one. I once wandered up on a random house at 1am to knock on the door to find her so calling around is not a big deal. Hit the right one the third go around and we made plans for her to call me around 5:30pm when I get up to go to work.
Well of course I’m a piece of shit and overslept and missed two calls from her. I tried a couple times to call her on the way to work and once I got there but she didn’t answer. She’s not good at keeping a cell phone in service so I was calling her house phone. Just as I’m settling in to start a really boring work task she gives me a call. Success!
I can tell immediately that she’s upset. After a couple of minutes she informs me that she tried to take her life a couple weeks ago. This is a sore subject for me after losing another good friend back in 2020 by his own hand. We talked about the attempt and it’s aftereffects and regrets. We both know all too well why our friend did the deed and we talked about how much we missed him. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the conversation, but just the news of her attempt has me heartbroken. I’m still trying to process the loss of one of my closest friends nearly three years after the fact and I don’t think I can handle losing another one in that way. We made plans to get together this Sunday evening over dinner and drinks at my house. I can’t wait to see her.
I ugly cried on the way home from work and sang some songs poorly. We’re all broken in our own ways but me and her are broken in some of the same ways. I am so proud of her for her courage and wish she had an extra ounce or two to share with me. I’m too much of a coward to be who I actually am. She’s one of the only people I can talk to openly and without judgement and the idea of not having her around has me crying again sitting at my desk typing this. I cannot handle any more heartbreak in this life.
I will always seek you out and find you my friend. I promise. -af
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