alexis faye

** What are your first memories of being trans?

The memory that stands out the most is getting caught wearing a slip under my pants and receiving a spanking for it. I was laying on the sofa with my mom watching TV when I guess she noticed the top of it poking out. She asked where I got it and of course I lied about the reason I was wearing it out of fear. I was six years old. My young mind didn’t understand why it was wrong, but judging by her reaction, it had to be a sin. My parents started going through my room after this incident, and caught me several times with clothes that weren’t mine. I received spankings sometimes, but mostly they just took them and never mentioned anything about it. This went on until I was asked to leave the household a few months before I turned 18. I’ll go more in depth on that later.

I can remember vividly praying to god to make me a girl in those early years. I was always wearing my younger sisters clothes when I could get away with it, and was super jealous of her for getting to wear girl clothes all the time. She had a doll house and a few Barbies and Beanie Babies we would play with frequently, giving them full life stories and acting out their day to day lives. I cherish these memories the most with her, and wonder sometimes if she ever thinks about it.

I didn’t find out about gender dysphoria until I was a late teen, and didn’t start researching it until I was in my early 20s married to my first wife and in the military. But it was euphoric knowing that I was not alone in how I feel about myself, and that I had options to explore it.

** Do you want to transition?

Yes, but it’s a very scary thing to think about that brings on anxiety and discomfort. I think it would be very freeing in a way, but I would lose probably 90% of my interpersonal relationships. Judging by the near constant transphobia I hear at work, and occasionally from friends who don’t know my secret, I know it will happen. I’d like to think that some of my friends i’ve had for 20 years would accept me, but I can’t be sure and it would leave me heartbroken if they didn’t.

Not to mention the current state of affairs in the United States right now. How long will adults on HRT in my state be allowed to take their meds? They’re already stripping protections for trans youth, when will they try to take rights from the adults?

I have a pretty good job and a nice piece of property I’d like to keep. If I did come out publicly my biggest fear is losing both of those things.

** How did you come out?

It was 100% by mistake. I was careless with a pair of my undergarments earlier this year and my wife found them and confronted me about them. I had done a pretty good job of hiding this part of myself for the entirety of our 10 year relationship. It was foolish of me to hide it from her, knowing that she’d most likely be supportive, but I was too scared to even bring it up.

I was getting ready to go to sleep (nightshift worker) when she asked me where the panties came from. My first instinct was to lie and say they were hers, which I could tell immediately she didn’t believe me. My second thought was about the shotgun I had just bought a few days earlier, and that it was time to take a walk down to the woods by the creek. We sat there in silence for about 15 minutes as I went over my options in my head before deciding that the shotgun could be a viable plan B if telling her the truth didn’t work out. I told her the truth and about my huge trunk of clothes out in the shop. We talked for a few hours and she has been great the past few months accepting me as I am. I don’t know what I would do without her.

** Why didn’t you come out sooner?

I wish I had came out at 17 when I first left my parent’s house. Things were different in 2005 and resources were not as easily available. Also the overwhelming fear of rejection of my family and friends, and not being able to afford moving somewhere else if things got bad.

** How does being trans affect how you feel on a day to day basis?

I’m constantly worried if people I see daily notice if I’m wearing clear nail polish or have left-over mascara still on my eyelashes. Or if they can tell if I am wearing a bra or not. I actually got caught last year by a coworker. I was sitting in my truck about to leave when he walked up on me and started chatting. He looked at me funny for a few seconds and asked if I was wearing a bra. I didn’t flinch and just responded “yes” and kept talking. I had been wearing a jacket all night and had forgotten about the wide pink straps showing without that protective layer. He didn’t mention it again or investigate further and has probably forgotten about it by now – but I haven’t.

** If you could flip a switch and be the opposite gender immediately, would you?

Absolutely! I wouldn’t even pause to contemplate it before hitting that switch. A better option would be to just go to sleep and wake up in a different body like the plotline in some of those shitty movies, just without all the additional drama! 🙂 Do I have options? If so, can I please be shorter and have smaller feet? :3

** What are some positives of being trans?

Admittedly, there aren’t very many. Where I live I’m going to have a difficult time if I choose to start HRT and come out. It would be nice to see what it’s like not being depressed and suicidal all the time. I’ve thought long and hard about killing myself since I was 13. Maybe that feeling would go away if I found out how to love myself and the body I’m in.

** What are the negatives?

See above. Also, losing friendships and my family over it. I know they’re not going to accept it, but I’m going to have to accept that and put strict boundaries in place to protect my mental health if it goes as bad as I think it will. I also worry about losing my job and I have a pretty good one in the small town I live in. I don’t want to have to commute closer to Atlanta again for work.

** What is your biggest fears about being open?

Discrimination. Plain and simple. I worry I will get treated poorly by everyone I come in contact with. There’s not really a lot of out trans people around me.

** Can you keep on living the way you are currently?

I don’t think I can. I thought I had made peace with living a double life and was mostly content with living the rest of my days this way. Getting found out has negatively affected my mental health the past 11 months. It’s like i’ve been thrown back into the same head space I was in as a teenager, and the depression that came about shortly after puberty started.

I was depressed and very suicidal all throughout my teenage years. None of my close friends knew why, because from the outside I didn’t appear to have anything to be depressed about. I tried so many drugs trying to find something that made me feel better, and got a little strung out for a while there. Tried to drink a bottle of Bacardi 151 and ended up in the hospital getting my stomach pumped with a blood alcohol level of .36 shortly before my parents asked me to leave. I’m thankful that I did not have access to firearms back then because I would not be here to write this. I was a mess.

Went down the alcohol rabbit hole again as I was going through the divorce from my first wife. I was in the military at the time and threw away a promising career by drinking every night trying to cope. I guess too many people noticed how inebriated I was all the time coming back to my ship, and said something to our substance abuse counselor. All I know is they had a fat folder of files on me when I got brought in to see the Chief. They gave me the option of going to rehab or getting kicked out. I did six weeks of substance abuse treatment at the Naval Hospital with six months left on my contract. Once my contract was up I was not allowed to reenlist so I moved back to my home state. I would be less than five years away from retirement had I not fucked it up. I should have taken the opportunity to move somewhere else and start a new life fresh out of the military but I didn’t have the funds to do so.

It wasn’t all bad during this time period. I lived as a woman when I wasn’t on duty or with friends. I had some great life experiences and some bad ones of course, but the 14 months I was separated and living alone in Virginia was freeing and some of the happiest days of my life up until that point. -af