It’s 1:40 in the morning, and I should be getting ready for bed, but I’ve been meaning to write this for six months and it’s weighing on me heavily tonight. I came out to you on September 20th of last year. I told you my deepest and longest held secret. I trusted you to still love me after. You said you still loved me. I cried and hugged my wife. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I gave you an opening to finally get to know me after all these years. Instead, you were immediately worried about how the rest of our family would react. I told you I didn’t care and that for the first time in over 25 years I’m legitimately happy. I asked you to tell Dad because I was too scared of how he would react, not understanding any of this. You said you needed time to process this new information and we would talk again soon.
I didn’t hear from you again for over a month. After the first couple of weeks it started to wear on me. I thought about how long it had been since we talked and I started to worry. I talked to my wife about how much it hurt my feelings on multiple occasions. I figured you would have had more questions. Dad and I had made plans to do a haunted history walk through the town square so you finally texted me to tell me that you hadn’t told him yet, and that you were having a hard time with it. I told you I understood. We went to the event and had a good time. I nearly told him myself on the ride back to my house, but chose to wait for a better time.
I didn’t hear from you again until a few days before Thanksgiving. You sent me a text and asked me to call before it got too late. I rushed to get done with work so I could call you as soon as I could. The call started off pleasant and you asked about my medical transition and I answered a few questions. You brought up your worries about our family knowing, and told me that you just couldn’t tell Dad. You said you didn’t want anything to change with our family dynamic, and that you wish I had never told you. Your exact words were “I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that”. You then proceeded to tell me that my sister and her husband were very protective of their two small children and implied that I probably wouldn’t be welcome at their house or around them anymore. You also told me that you could never see me “that way” and asked me not to dress feminine around you. I was deeply offended by your words to me that night, and they run through my head constantly.
I saw you next at the family thanksgiving dinner with the extended family. I sat right next to you for a while and we never exchanged more than a few words. It was the same a month later at christmas dinner. You didn’t know it at the time, but that was probably the last christmas I would attend at your house.
I’ve been medically transitioning since February 22nd 2025. If I could go back in time I would have started at 18. I knew I was different at six years old. I didn’t have the words for it. I barely have the words for it now. I finally know inner peace and the sad thoughts that have been in my head since I was a little kid are a lot quieter now. I find joy in so many things now. I spent years thinking my default emotion was always going to be sad, only getting to experience other emotions in short bursts. I told you that I had been to rehab for substance abuse 15 years ago, and after starting transition, that I no longer feel like I have to be fucked up all the time. I talked about how I’ve been quietly suicidal for most of my life and have attempted to kill myself a few times. I told you that I’ve never known happiness like I do now and I look forward to living.
You told me “I wish you had never told me that”. With those words you said that you don’t want to know me. That my happiness means nothing if it doesn’t look the right way to our extended family. That you’re worried about how people will treat me, when you’re really worried about is how people’s perception of you will change. What they’ll say about you and our family when you’re not around to hear them. I told you I didn’t want to die anymore. You told me to keep it to myself.
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